It's ok to cry

This might be an uncomfortable read. It's been difficult to start and I expect will be difficult to write. 

I've written it several times in my head (& sometimes it said exactly what I was hoping to) and now I'm finally committing  words to the page.  People who know me IRL know that after 4 miscarriages I finally accepted that I wouldn't be a mother. The only choice was that I couldn't bare to lose another baby. 

Last Monday I was visiting another office and one of my colleagues went home unwell. I didn't know the details but it was pretty easy to figure out she was pregnant and something wasn't right. 

I saw the colleague I'd been visiting that day on Thursday and asked after her and was told she wasn't great and wasn't in. I asked if she'd miscarried and it was confirmed she had.  Poor poor lady. 

She doesn't know I know, not many people knew she was pregnant. I want to giver her a big hug and tell her it's ok to grieve, no matter how early it was it's still a loss. 

I want to tell her that people will say insensitive stupid things - oh well lucky it was so early, it happens to everyone you know, don't worry you're young you can try again, at least you hadn't got too used to the idea. They mean well - honest they do. They don't really know what to say. 

We all deal with these things in different ways. Maybe they would be fine - maybe you are. But if you're not then I wish I could say to you how sorry I am for your loss. How it's ok to grieve for the what might have been. It's ok to be sad about the little hand you don't get to hold. It's ok to be upset about not sharing your life. It's ok to cry. 

And to your partner. I know people forget about them. But I expect he imagined the future and will be feeling the loss and pain. Hold him. Keep him close. Don't let this become a thing between you. 

At 6 weeks, 9 weeks or 12 it's still fecking horrible. So take time to grieve, if you need it. Deal with things in your own way. And for those with the careless words smile and breath. 

Be kind to yourself and if you need to have a good cry. 

Friday Frolics

An arrangement  made last minute after a call requesting I keep a friend company whilst her husband took her mother to the opera turned into a fabulous friday night.

I am little bleary eyed this morning but it was worth it.

I've been working from home the back end of this week so other than a trip out to meet a friend Thursday hadn't really got dressed up.  This friend is a glamour puss and I knew would look fabulous so I took some time to get a little glam myself.

There was the inevitable shoe dilemma (I went with the green in the end)

I met her outside the Coliseum and we decided to go an try the bars at the Savoy - neither of us had been before but I'd read good things and we fancied a grown up, easy evening.

When we arrived we were greeted and asked where the American bar was - and then asked about the Beaufort bar.  A little discussion  about the different vibes in each bar and the decision was made - first stop the American Bar - just off the main lobby up the stairs to the left of the entrance.

We were greeted and asked for a name to arrange a table, we were advised there would be a 20 minute wait but there was a small lobby bar we could get a drink and wait it.  Bar number 1 and glass of fizz number 1.  After about 10 minutes we were escorted to a table in the bar.  The bar is low key, relaxed and buzzy but not bustling.  We had a table with a plush banquette and a equally lux bucket seat.  Whoops more champagne as we listened to the piano jazz and our applause was appreciated.  The room is quite well lit (not harsh but light enough that you can actually see each other fully) and we caught up.  After a while we settled the bill and headed to the Beaufort Bar.

The Beaufort Bar is situated just off the tea room further back through the hotel.  It's beautiful and opulent in gold and black.  Again we were seated at a table and had fabulous service.  We decided to have a cocktail (pear and liquorish bellini for CP, old fashioned with makers mark for me).  The vibe in the Beaufort Bar is a little different, the lighting is lower (though still not dark) and the piano player moves away from the standards and instead plays jazzy, piano versions of more modern songs (Happy anyone?).  After the cocktails we went back to Fizz.  It really is a beautiful bar, pricey but grown up and such a lovely place to be in London on a Friday night.  (as an aside JK Rowling was in the bar too - she looked amazing!).

After a few hours of chatting and catching up it was time to meet up with the others so we left the sanctuary of the Savoy and headed to J Sheekey's for a late supper.   J Sheekey's is a bit of an institution and I know that it can be a bit hit and miss but this time it was a hit hit hit.  I like fish but I'm more of a meat gal and even though it's not on their menu they really do the most fabulous steak

 

 

Not the best picture quality but just trust me on this - it was fabulous.  We drank some british fizz to start (wish I knew the name) and then moved on to Malbec (this mixing of drinks may be the cause of the fuzziness).

CP's Ma was full of joy after seeing La Traviata and I am hoping to go next month - she sparkled with pleasure when she talked about how the music was still dancing around inside her head (but also something about how she really could be one of the waitresses - I have to see it now if only to understand what she's talking about).

I headed home with my doggy bag (the bone on that steak wasn't going to waste!) the Piccadilly line back to North London and fell into bed at midnight full of happy and loving London.  Don't you just love it when those unplanned nights turn out to be some of the best?

Trying to close a chapter

So I have been separated for more than 4 years and we are finally getting round to sorting out the house which will hopefully mean that I can stop paying the mortgage on a house I don't live in.

The finances are anger inducing and I am a mug for letting it go on for this long but what has really got my goat this morning is that it's now over a year since we agreed to either sell the house or he would buy me out.  In the summer he said he would like to buy me out.  He finally got a  mortgage offer at the end of November (which was £20k less than the estate agents had valued the house at in March the same year) and it looked like we were on our way.

But no, here we are 17th of February and I have found out that the mortgage resettlement statement he told me his solicitors requested was never requested.  It has been now but as I am not living at the house the figure will go to him.

I just want it settled, want to close the chapter move on with my life and stop paying for a freaking house I don't freaking live in.

Enough already.

Just another Sunday

I was looking for something - something I'd written a while ago.  Something I'd enjoyed and shared and then, well filed away.  In the memory ban that is the internet.....

It was lovely when I found it again and it brought back great memories of a weekend away.  It led me to have a look through this neglected blog.  You see things have moved on again,  It's two jobs later and a house move and much else has stayed the same.

I'm still a hot mess but I'm doing ok with that, I know who I am (black dog and all) and it's ok.

This weekend has been one of sorting and sitting.  After a few weekends of working to get a bid in on time this weekend I have had the chance to stop and get some things done.  Not important work, nothing that will change the world or even make it much better but things.  Things on my list, things that needed to get out of the way.  So my office has been sorted, two bags sent to the charity shop and I have rested, relaxed and restored.

It's now getting late on Sunday afternoon and I am starting to think about the week ahead.  The list in my head of what I'd like to achieve, the stuff I've been putting off (MUST must must do those bloomin expenses), the work that would mean success and progress.

So a new page in my note book, a new start to a new list and a whole pile of opportunity just waiting for me to take it.

Onwards.

Empty spaces

Its my best friends 40th birthday today.  A day for celebration and joy.  She's a brilliant, talented, funny, clever, warm hearted amazing woman who I have know for more than 25 years and count myself very very fortunate to have her in my life.  but you see that's the thing.  She's in Singapore.  Hours and miles away.  She's in my heart and thoughts all the time but the space next to me when we are on adventures is empty - we catch up via social media and even manage to speak on the phone or skype every now and then.

I miss her so very very much that I *may* have even had a little cry at my desk today.  Selfish and silly but well its how I feel.

So I'm going to work on celebrating her today -

Happy Birthday CP - you bloody brilliant, crazy, Awesome woman you - LOVE YOU; see you next year xxxxxxx

Making Space

I'm a terrible hoarder - I have so much stuff.  I don't need it all and it's sometimes suffocating.  So it's time to make some space - not for new stuff but for me to breath.

I moved in here just over a year ago and thats was when I got my storage locker, I have a house full to bursting with stuff I don't use or touch and a locker doing the same.  Its a waste of space and time and makes me feel tense.

I'm not talking about the fabric and baskets I have for my sewing and crafting things - no its more about pieces of paper, things I might need 'one day' - no idea when this one day might be.  I mean if I haven't needed it for a year will I really need it in the next?

So it's time to make space.  I'm starting by moving my king size spare bed into storage (not the mattress that's going to the tip - rubbish back aching temporary cheap at the time buy!) and being replaced by a day bed and trundle.  It will get back a lot of floor space but also won't have this big flat surface to dump stuff on - something I'm particularly adept at.

I'm also going to empty the magic basket of toiletries and makeup - i use limited products and usually the same few the rest as just sat there gathering dust.  I don't need them, use them or if I'm honest want them.  Time to get out the black sacks and make space.

I think what has brought this on has been my working at home the last few weeks on and off.  I have a good work space - an old pine kitchen table that I share with my sewing machine, overlocker and a few bits.  Plenty of room to spread out and work but the rest of the room is surrounded by stuff.

I need to make a deal with myself - not to replace the stuff with more stuff - to remember the feeling now when I am full to bursting and the need for room to think and breath.

Making space not just physically but mentally by letting stuff go.

Breath.

Hello Autumn my old friend.

There are those clinging on to summer this morning. Floaty skirts and open toes; refusing to accept its over. 

And then there's me  40 denier & knits happy to welcome autumn with a smile and a knowing nod - ah yes hello my time. 

Hello knits and boots and warm textures and forgiving hip skimming dresses. 

Hello bright cool sunshine, warm refreshing rain. Hello my time.