Monday, 2 March 2015

It's ok to cry

This might be an uncomfortable read. It's been difficult to start and I expect will be difficult to write. 

I've written it several times in my head (& sometimes it said exactly what I was hoping to) and now I'm finally committing  words to the page.  People who know me IRL know that after 4 miscarriages I finally accepted that I wouldn't be a mother. The only choice was that I couldn't bare to lose another baby. 

Last Monday I was visiting another office and one of my colleagues went home unwell. I didn't know the details but it was pretty easy to figure out she was pregnant and something wasn't right. 

I saw the colleague I'd been visiting that day on Thursday and asked after her and was told she wasn't great and wasn't in. I asked if she'd miscarried and it was confirmed she had.  Poor poor lady. 

She doesn't know I know, not many people knew she was pregnant. I want to giver her a big hug and tell her it's ok to grieve, no matter how early it was it's still a loss. 

I want to tell her that people will say insensitive stupid things - oh well lucky it was so early, it happens to everyone you know, don't worry you're young you can try again, at least you hadn't got too used to the idea. They mean well - honest they do. They don't really know what to say. 

We all deal with these things in different ways. Maybe they would be fine - maybe you are. But if you're not then I wish I could say to you how sorry I am for your loss. How it's ok to grieve for the what might have been. It's ok to be sad about the little hand you don't get to hold. It's ok to be upset about not sharing your life. It's ok to cry. 

And to your partner. I know people forget about them. But I expect he imagined the future and will be feeling the loss and pain. Hold him. Keep him close. Don't let this become a thing between you. 

At 6 weeks, 9 weeks or 12 it's still fecking horrible. So take time to grieve, if you need it. Deal with things in your own way. And for those with the careless words smile and breath. 

Be kind to yourself and if you need to have a good cry. 

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