Saturday, 30 October 2010

Duty



We are in Scarborough this weekend.  The Boy is running the Scarborough 10k in the morning and today we are doing our duty and spending time with my MIL.

I find this very very hard.  She is not a pleasant woman, is racist, homophobic, sexist and you can't just put it all down to her age (she's 80).  I spend my time biting my tongue, trying not to respond to her comments, trying to be patient.

She's also getting a bit deaf, so mishears (when she chooses) or ignores completely.  And the third and final thing is she really really smells - not over perfumed smell but dirty clothes, unwashed smell.  The Boy has little sense of smell; I unfortunately do not and have to overcompensate with my own perfume.

For years I have tried to build a relationship, take interest in her health, her friends, her life but nothing - there is no warmth there, no sense of family, we do not belong to each other.  She has an interesting relationship with The Boy.  I am so very close to my parents that I just can't fathom their relationship - or non relationship more describes it.

So we would be here even if he was not running out of a sense of duty.  At least the view is good.

Sunday, 17 October 2010

On the move

I am really pleased to say that I am moving.....huzzah

Well only during the week.  No more Scout Hut for me, I am moving to small cottage with an open fire and lovely garden. 

I shall share more once the contracts are signed but in the meantime I have furniture to buy.  

Any excuse!

Sunday, 10 October 2010

Marriage is a Test of Memory

Remember why you chose him

Remember why he chose you

Remember when he asked - and you said yes

Remember the first time, the best time

Remember the safety in times of need

Remember the sharing of good news

Don't let the candle blow out - use the memory to fuel the flame.

The Grey Mist

I've been in hiding again.  It's been a tough and painful month, after a fantastic trip to New York we came home to real life, back to weekly commuting and weekends crammed with cooking, cleaning and ironing.  It was only a month ago that we were drinking cocktails in Soho - relaxed and happy, not a care in the world.

Since then I have been offered my role a on a perm basis and have accepted it.  I am no longer a contractor but am a full time employee with all the benefits and constraints that brings.  No more finishing for Christmas on the 15th and not starting again until the end of January.  No more taking the summer off.  No more being able to meet friends for lunch at at time of the week as I can make the time up or just sack off a day - it's my money I'm loosing after all.  No more tax breaks.

But, I love the company and the job is great and the salary good, I have sick pay!  Holiday pay, insurance (if I die The Boy can pay the mortgage several times over 4x salary insurance and another 4x salary if I die in an accident).  I have colleagues who are friends and challenges.

However, it's 200 miles away from home which is not ideal but I want to be selfish - I think.

Otherwise things are tough.  Marriage is work I know that and right now it's hard work but we'll get passed that, we always do.  The weight continues to come off (well it did before this weekend and my cold induced binge eating) and I hope to be back to the gym next week (snot permitting).

The beginning of Oct has been mixed, a new job, a surprise pregnancy followed 48 hours later with another miscarriage, martini's, friends, a home away from home house hunt and now a cold.

The grey mist has descended and Fuck really does seem to be the answer to everything (see www.pontecarloblue.posterous.com ).  But it will pass - writing it down means it already is starting to.  I'm out for drink with Zee tomorrow - will tell her all, let her wise words soothe me and guide me and start to repair.

Blimey I'm a miserable fuck.

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