Monday, 27 December 2010
All these thoughts and questions. I'm a planner but don't feel able to make plans.
My heart and head are in flux, I miss my home, my normal Christmas, my life. But I know that I can't go back to being unhappy.
I feel so much guilt and responsibility, it's a heavy load.
The person I would like to speak with is not available - it's Christmas I should not be bringing others down.
My parents arrive again tomorrow - I am both looking forward to and dreading it. I best try to get some sleep.
Friday, 24 December 2010
There is no good time to do this - I know that. I know it seems cruel, heartless. I'm sorry - truly sorry.
Like you said - Merry Fucking Christmas.
Thursday, 23 December 2010
Tuesday, 21 December 2010
Saturday, 18 December 2010
I have been wandering from room to room, looking at things and thinking about what to take (or not). Some things were straightforward (coats, handbags etc) but others have left me in turmoil and crying like a baby. I have some lovely towels from Liberty but they are hanging in the bathroom - it seems wrong to take things an leave an empty space. Pathetic really.
Everytime I look at or pick something up I find myself over thinking - it feel all wrong taking things from his home (I know it's our house), leaving gaps where my life was. I really need to get myself together and be more pragmatic.
Now however, I am waiting for the plumber. He was due at 10.......the car is packed I can't face any more I just want to run back south where I can pretend its not happening.
Friday, 17 December 2010
Some of it is simple - The Boy would never want my Gilmore Girls or West Wing DVDs, my grandmothers dinner service but what about the wedding gifts? Who takes the glasses - do we split them? Who takes the cutlery? The whole things has my head in a spin and feels too soon, too raw. I want some of my things of course I do but I don't want to leave the boy with a shell of a house or with empty spaces.
The other side is my cottage is tiny - where would I put anything??
M&D arrive in a few hours, they're bringing boxes - all very organised. I just want to go to my bed and hide until the new year. I know that standing still just prolongs the pain but the pace is scaring me......leaving no room for doubt, reflection, consideration.
But what room do I need or want, I'm done I know I am and as much as that hurts it's where I am.
Friday, 10 December 2010
Wednesday, 8 December 2010
Ok so here we go. At the weekend I was in Manchester and I have been after a new pair of flat black leather knee high boots. I saw some in a Clarks advert that I thought might work but as is the way with my hughmongous calves and little ankles they just looked daft but whilst there The Boy spotted some other boots he liked, they are lovely, battered brown leather with a rubber sole, laces up the front but a handy zip at the side:
Whilst trying them on had a glance at the Clarks Original's stand. I love Clarks Originals and have two pairs already (it's the mod in me you see). I tried on a pair of dog print desert boots but they were a step too far but then I saw these beauties:
And I was sold. They're called Street Chic and whilst I paid £49 for them they are currently £35 with free delivery and returns (gutted I only got them on Saturday).
Just incase you are concerned that I have gone all flat on you - it's still about the heels here are some pics of my most recent purchases:
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
It's not a big thing, but it feels.....well symbolic I guess. So goodbye brown hello red.
Sunday, 5 December 2010
So now what? The grief and loss; the pain and accusation; the dividing of a life built together.
My failure to fix us, to make it work is almost too much to bare.
This is the beginning of a long, slow, painful road. I know it's the right course of action but the devastation left behind and the guilt of knowing I did that is a heavy load.
I'm sorry for the pain now and the pain to come. I'm sorry that we broke beyond repair. I'm sorry I failed.
Saturday, 30 October 2010
We are in Scarborough this weekend. The Boy is running the Scarborough 10k in the morning and today we are doing our duty and spending time with my MIL.
I find this very very hard. She is not a pleasant woman, is racist, homophobic, sexist and you can't just put it all down to her age (she's 80). I spend my time biting my tongue, trying not to respond to her comments, trying to be patient.
She's also getting a bit deaf, so mishears (when she chooses) or ignores completely. And the third and final thing is she really really smells - not over perfumed smell but dirty clothes, unwashed smell. The Boy has little sense of smell; I unfortunately do not and have to overcompensate with my own perfume.
For years I have tried to build a relationship, take interest in her health, her friends, her life but nothing - there is no warmth there, no sense of family, we do not belong to each other. She has an interesting relationship with The Boy. I am so very close to my parents that I just can't fathom their relationship - or non relationship more describes it.
So we would be here even if he was not running out of a sense of duty. At least the view is good.
Sunday, 17 October 2010
Sunday, 10 October 2010
Remember why he chose you
Remember when he asked - and you said yes
Remember the first time, the best time
Remember the safety in times of need
Remember the sharing of good news
Don't let the candle blow out - use the memory to fuel the flame.
Since then I have been offered my role a on a perm basis and have accepted it. I am no longer a contractor but am a full time employee with all the benefits and constraints that brings. No more finishing for Christmas on the 15th and not starting again until the end of January. No more taking the summer off. No more being able to meet friends for lunch at at time of the week as I can make the time up or just sack off a day - it's my money I'm loosing after all. No more tax breaks.
But, I love the company and the job is great and the salary good, I have sick pay! Holiday pay, insurance (if I die The Boy can pay the mortgage several times over 4x salary insurance and another 4x salary if I die in an accident). I have colleagues who are friends and challenges.
However, it's 200 miles away from home which is not ideal but I want to be selfish - I think.
Otherwise things are tough. Marriage is work I know that and right now it's hard work but we'll get passed that, we always do. The weight continues to come off (well it did before this weekend and my cold induced binge eating) and I hope to be back to the gym next week (snot permitting).
The beginning of Oct has been mixed, a new job, a surprise pregnancy followed 48 hours later with another miscarriage, martini's, friends, a home away from home house hunt and now a cold.
The grey mist has descended and Fuck really does seem to be the answer to everything (see www.pontecarloblue.posterous.com ). But it will pass - writing it down means it already is starting to. I'm out for drink with Zee tomorrow - will tell her all, let her wise words soothe me and guide me and start to repair.
Blimey I'm a miserable fuck.
Monday, 6 September 2010
Sunday, 5 September 2010
Sunday, 29 August 2010
Wow, the response to my last post has been amazing.
My true friends have read the real message and have contacted me with the virtual hugs I need.
It was indeed a big decision and if I think too hard about it I am at risk of crying. But the decision is made. I have my beautiful sort of niece and nephew R & E, and intend to be the best Aunt possible.
I have my grown up sort of nephew C - and intend to spoil him rotten and always be here for him as he finds his way through the world.
I have the best friends I could hope for - I love and feel loved. I am blessed.
Thank you - you know who you are. xx
Saturday, 28 August 2010
I love the job I'm doing, love the company and the work. Have made some really good friends and think that they may offer me a perm role. This is a challenge as it's 200 miles away from home so would mean continuing to live away Monday to Thursday - most weeks that's fine as I like to have my own space but The Boy is getting a bit grumpy about it. I think in honesty it was the off season that made him a bit bored but now that the footie is back on he won't even notice I'm not here (as long as there's food in the fridge).
Well I am 2.5 stone down and much happier still a bit to go but it's all going well. I completed the Moonwalk and have been an occasional gym attendee, but it's all heading in the right direction. Walking helps and the new friends I've made at work are great.
In all honesty I think I have accepted that this isn't going to happen for me. I'm 38 soon, and a contractor - not really the greatest situation. So whilst there is an element of heartbreak I am coming to terms with the reality that I will not be a Mum. It hurst and saddens me, but it's the reality of the situation.
Well the baby decision has knocked me for six the last few months, a lot of thinking and to-ing and fro-ing and the black mood has descended slightly. I am not keeping in touch with old friends, not on here much or on twitter. Finding other ways to pass my time. I'm okay just licking my wounds a bit, boosting my ego and concentrating on work.
So what's next - well still doing the clutter stuff, still losing weight, be the best I can be at work and emerge from this short black period and pay some more attention to my ever patient friends (they know who they are).
So new uniform, new bag, fresh pens and pencils.....new opportunity, new beginning - love that new term feeling.
Sunday, 22 August 2010
Its a tough tough but if you get a good day it is truly beautiful.
Friday, 13 August 2010
Sunday, 8 August 2010
I was originally booked in to The Westin in Waltham, it's fine - perfectly fine but it's big and corporate and when traveling alone is not exactly comfortable in my opinion. I was talking to a colleague and she said that I should go to The Liberty that the company has a rate there so it's an approved hotel. I am so very glad I took her advice.
The Liberty is in downtown Boston, a walk away from all the great places and is in an old jail. It's a boutique style hotel, but large, as well as being a very busy night spot - the two bars were buzzing when I arrived at 8.30pm on a hot and humid Wednesday night.
On arrival you are given a glass of champagne before going to your room, and what a lovely room it is. I was in The Tower part of the hotel, only on the 3rd and but had a great floor to ceiling window, so just about had a view if I crooked my neck a bit. The room was classic boutique hotel:
After changing I went downstairs to The Clink restaurant - you see what they did there, one of many Jail style touches including a do not disturb door sign that reads 'Solitary'. I had a vodka martini (not quite dry enough for my liking) with beef carpaccio which was melt in the mouth tasty but a few too many capers, followed by parpadalle with a lamb ragu which was tasty tasty tasty just a tad too salty. The service was excellent and the crowd bubbling but not rowdy. Shame that the food was a little 'over done', not over cooked just not quite there.
I then went to the main lobby bar for another Martini, much better this time served by a very handsome barman who was polite but busy chatting to his slightly drunk room mate (who as I understand it was moving out and was going to miss the beer exchange and pizza night.....). They had every bottle behind the bar you could think of and even make their own infusion of bourbon (Markers Mark infused with a vanilla tobacco which smelt amazing when over ice).
Remembering the Martini rule, I said my goodnights and went back to my room. Just before the lift doors closed the actor Michael Cera (in case you are saying Who?) jumped in - I was a little star struck to be honest having just been watching one of his films the weekend before with The Boy. He was very polite, asked where I was from and then we wished each other a good night - if only I had been on a higher floor I am sure we would be BFFs by now.
Breakfast was served in the room and was massive, I had pancakes with a side of bacon and scrambled eggs - there was enough for two possibly three. I managed about half of it - but then couldn't move for quite some time.....
Overall my experience at The Liberty was great - I would strongly recommend it if you're in Boston for business or on a City break. The prices were not silly and the location and decor made it a great treat.
Check it out here http://www.libertyhotel.com/