Monday, 27 December 2010
All these thoughts and questions. I'm a planner but don't feel able to make plans.
My heart and head are in flux, I miss my home, my normal Christmas, my life. But I know that I can't go back to being unhappy.
I feel so much guilt and responsibility, it's a heavy load.
The person I would like to speak with is not available - it's Christmas I should not be bringing others down.
My parents arrive again tomorrow - I am both looking forward to and dreading it. I best try to get some sleep.
Friday, 24 December 2010
There is no good time to do this - I know that. I know it seems cruel, heartless. I'm sorry - truly sorry.
Like you said - Merry Fucking Christmas.
Thursday, 23 December 2010
Tuesday, 21 December 2010
Saturday, 18 December 2010
I have been wandering from room to room, looking at things and thinking about what to take (or not). Some things were straightforward (coats, handbags etc) but others have left me in turmoil and crying like a baby. I have some lovely towels from Liberty but they are hanging in the bathroom - it seems wrong to take things an leave an empty space. Pathetic really.
Everytime I look at or pick something up I find myself over thinking - it feel all wrong taking things from his home (I know it's our house), leaving gaps where my life was. I really need to get myself together and be more pragmatic.
Now however, I am waiting for the plumber. He was due at 10.......the car is packed I can't face any more I just want to run back south where I can pretend its not happening.
Friday, 17 December 2010
Some of it is simple - The Boy would never want my Gilmore Girls or West Wing DVDs, my grandmothers dinner service but what about the wedding gifts? Who takes the glasses - do we split them? Who takes the cutlery? The whole things has my head in a spin and feels too soon, too raw. I want some of my things of course I do but I don't want to leave the boy with a shell of a house or with empty spaces.
The other side is my cottage is tiny - where would I put anything??
M&D arrive in a few hours, they're bringing boxes - all very organised. I just want to go to my bed and hide until the new year. I know that standing still just prolongs the pain but the pace is scaring me......leaving no room for doubt, reflection, consideration.
But what room do I need or want, I'm done I know I am and as much as that hurts it's where I am.
Friday, 10 December 2010
Wednesday, 8 December 2010
Ok so here we go. At the weekend I was in Manchester and I have been after a new pair of flat black leather knee high boots. I saw some in a Clarks advert that I thought might work but as is the way with my hughmongous calves and little ankles they just looked daft but whilst there The Boy spotted some other boots he liked, they are lovely, battered brown leather with a rubber sole, laces up the front but a handy zip at the side:
Whilst trying them on had a glance at the Clarks Original's stand. I love Clarks Originals and have two pairs already (it's the mod in me you see). I tried on a pair of dog print desert boots but they were a step too far but then I saw these beauties:
And I was sold. They're called Street Chic and whilst I paid £49 for them they are currently £35 with free delivery and returns (gutted I only got them on Saturday).
Just incase you are concerned that I have gone all flat on you - it's still about the heels here are some pics of my most recent purchases:
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
It's not a big thing, but it feels.....well symbolic I guess. So goodbye brown hello red.
Sunday, 5 December 2010
So now what? The grief and loss; the pain and accusation; the dividing of a life built together.
My failure to fix us, to make it work is almost too much to bare.
This is the beginning of a long, slow, painful road. I know it's the right course of action but the devastation left behind and the guilt of knowing I did that is a heavy load.
I'm sorry for the pain now and the pain to come. I'm sorry that we broke beyond repair. I'm sorry I failed.