Saturday, 22 January 2011

Ups and Downs

After a great week, comes the low.

This week has been productive, fun, enjoyable and I was feeling good.  Happy even.  Last night I went for a lovely meal at The Yew Tree and a fun evening with The American but then I had an awful night.  I didn't sleep well at all, the inner monologue wouldn't stop.  The guilt, the sense of failure, wishing I could block out the past but not wanting to forget it all.

I re-read some old posts this week and know that I tried and I wanted it to work but I couldn't fix us.

The Boy is trying so hard, wants to make it better but I am in a different place.  So the guilt stays with me, I have hours where  it's quiet and I have fun, enjoy myself, relax but then its back and it hits me hard.

The timing is all wrong but you can't predict when or where these things will happen.  I need to be stronger and more honest - not give false hope where I know there isn't any and be fair to both of us.

This may sound cryptic - it isn't meant to, more a stream of the crap thats in my head.

When something new starts its supposed to be exciting - the butterflies, the anticipation.  But when something hits you like a surprise when you are dealing with loss and the grief of something dying it's all tinged with guilt, tainted almost.  So I have the highest highs and the very low lows.

Jesh PCB - man up and get on with it.

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