Last night I went to CPs first of many leaving do's in a bar on
Portobello Road. I got there early as instructed to ensure that she
wasn't sat there on her own. About 30 minutes in she told me that P
was coming and that she was stuck on the motorway. Initially I was
pleased. P and I fell out about 18 months ago at my birthday bash. It
was horrible and I still have no idea what it is I'm supposed to have
done. Anyway I knew that it was big for her to come up from Exeter and
that CP would love it so it was all good.
I honestly thought that she would arrive we'd have a hug and
everything would be fine. Silly silly me. I got up to hug her & she
gave me a one handed back pat. I congratulated her on her PGCE course
she looked at me like I'd eaten a baby. I tried & tried & tried. I
asked how her kids were, how her sister was, I asked & asked & asked.
When she did bother to answer she would reply to the person next to
me, avoiding eye contact at all costs. Her husband was lovely, gave
me a massive hug and actually asked me how I was.
It was horrible, heart breaking and divisive. She would move away if I
was close or ignore me. I felt like like I was back at school. This
isn't an aquaintance this is someone I have known for 22 years. When
she ruined my birthday I said that was it that I was exhausted with
her drama and always being blamed for perceived slights when I
genuinely knew I had done nothing wrong.
Towards the end of the evening I tried one last time and was knocked
back again - I could kick myself for letting her do that to me again.
So I know how it is now. The one tie that we both had is moving to
Singapore so I will probably only have to see her if there is a
wedding or something and I will be polite to her; I will not ignore
her or be childish I will bite my tongue and smile and move on.
I am sad and angry and hurt and but mostly I am annoyed that I was
stupid enough to think that all those years we said we loved each
other, when she stood by me when I got married and I did the same for
her, first loves, jobs, houses, heartbreak, true loves. Yep I was
stupid enough to think that counted for something. Silly silly me.
So that's how it's going to be. The end of a friendship.