Sleep alludes me

Here I am again; 1.25 am and not asleep.  I'm so very very tired but when I close my eyes my mind starts to whir and I just can't get to sleep.

All these thoughts and questions.  I'm a planner but don't feel able to make plans.

My heart and head are in flux, I miss my home, my normal Christmas, my life.  But I know that I can't go back to being unhappy.

I feel so much guilt and responsibility, it's a heavy load.

The person I would like to speak with is not available - it's Christmas I should not be bringing others down.

My parents arrive again tomorrow - I am both looking forward to and dreading it.  I best try to get some sleep.

No words

I want to call you but I don't know what I would say.  I feel like I have cried for days and if I speak to you suspect it will start again.

There is no good time to do this - I know that.  I know it seems cruel, heartless.  I'm sorry - truly sorry.

Like you said - Merry Fucking Christmas.

Don't read this is you're feeling low in any way at all

I knew today was going to be tough.  After being so busy yesterday and having such a good day I know that today would feel flat.  What I didn't expect was this wave of sadness and loneliness. The drive to work was tough and then I had to sit in the car park for 15 minutes to pull myself together.  Then when I came in to the office I came in to flowers from my husband.  He has not once, in 13 years bought me flowers.  He's really trying, trying to show me he can change and it can be different.

 

I need to stop crying and think.  I was so sure, so positive.

 

Today is not a good day.

Patience

I lack patience.  I want the pain to stop now.  I want the call to be made and received.

I'm rubbish at waiting

waiting sucks

Decisions (or lack of)

I left my little cottage at 6.30 this morning to drive north to get a car full of my things.  As I got  closer I started to feel sick and tense.  I knew The Boy wouldn't be here but it feels like invading - like he should be here to supervise what I chose to take and leave.

I have been wandering from room to room, looking at things and thinking about what to take (or not).  Some things were straightforward (coats, handbags etc) but others have left me in turmoil and crying like a baby.  I have some lovely towels from Liberty but they are hanging in the bathroom - it seems wrong to take things an leave an empty space.  Pathetic really.

Everytime I look at or pick something up I find myself over thinking - it feel all wrong taking things from his home (I know it's our house), leaving gaps where my life was.  I really need to get myself together and be more pragmatic.

Now however, I am waiting for the plumber.  He was due at 10.......the car is packed I can't face any more I just want to run back south where I can pretend its not happening.

Dividing a Life

I'm heading North tomorrow to pack some things.  I have no idea where to start.  Clothes, shoes make sense but what about DVDs, books, the PS3, the coffee machine, my knives, a casserole dish.  We've been together so long its not about who brought what into the relationship - it's not as easy as that's yours thats mine; most of it is 'ours'.

Some of it is simple - The Boy would never want my Gilmore Girls or West Wing DVDs, my grandmothers dinner service but what about the wedding gifts?  Who takes the glasses - do we split them?  Who takes the cutlery?  The whole things has my head in a spin and feels too soon, too raw.  I want some of my things of course I do but I don't want to leave the boy with a shell of a house or with empty spaces.

The other side is my cottage is tiny - where would I put anything??

M&D arrive in a few hours, they're bringing boxes - all very organised.  I just want to go to my bed and hide until the new year.  I know that standing still just prolongs the pain but the pace is scaring me......leaving no room for doubt, reflection, consideration.

But what room do I need or want, I'm done I know I am and as much as that hurts it's where I am.

Frack.

I can't ignore Christmas.

  

\

I have no tree or lights but there is a Christmas welcome.

Clarks

It's been a while since a shoe post hasn't it?

Ok so here we go.  At the weekend I was in Manchester and I have been after a new pair of flat black leather knee high boots.  I saw some in a Clarks advert that I thought might work but as is the way with my hughmongous calves and little ankles they just looked daft but whilst there The Boy spotted some other boots he liked, they are lovely, battered brown leather with a rubber sole, laces up the front but a handy zip at the side:

They're called Malabar Squash are £69.99 (they are also available in a light tan suede).

Whilst trying them on had a glance at the Clarks Original's stand.  I love Clarks Originals and have two pairs already (it's the mod in me you see).  I tried on a pair of dog print desert boots but they were a step too far but then I saw these beauties:

And I was sold.  They're called Street Chic and whilst I paid £49 for them they are currently £35 with free delivery and returns (gutted I only got them on Saturday).

Just incase you are concerned that I have gone all flat on you - it's still about the heels here are some pics of my most recent purchases:

Both from Kurt Geiger - both lovely.

Seeing Red

It's a ritual I guess, something ends, something has to change - something I can do myself, something that feels fresh, new.  My choice, my control.

It's not a big thing, but it feels.....well symbolic I guess.  So goodbye brown hello red.

The toughest decisions

Even though I know it's the right decision & the right thing for me to do this is the toughest decision I have ever made.

So now what? The grief and loss; the pain and accusation; the dividing of a life built together.

My failure to fix us, to make it work is almost too much to bare.

This is the beginning of a long, slow, painful road. I know it's the right course of action but the devastation left behind and the guilt of knowing I did that is a heavy load.

I'm sorry for the pain now and the pain to come. I'm sorry that we broke beyond repair. I'm sorry I failed.