Empty spaces

Its my best friends 40th birthday today.  A day for celebration and joy.  She's a brilliant, talented, funny, clever, warm hearted amazing woman who I have know for more than 25 years and count myself very very fortunate to have her in my life.  but you see that's the thing.  She's in Singapore.  Hours and miles away.  She's in my heart and thoughts all the time but the space next to me when we are on adventures is empty - we catch up via social media and even manage to speak on the phone or skype every now and then.

I miss her so very very much that I *may* have even had a little cry at my desk today.  Selfish and silly but well its how I feel.

So I'm going to work on celebrating her today -

Happy Birthday CP - you bloody brilliant, crazy, Awesome woman you - LOVE YOU; see you next year xxxxxxx

Making Space

I'm a terrible hoarder - I have so much stuff.  I don't need it all and it's sometimes suffocating.  So it's time to make some space - not for new stuff but for me to breath.

I moved in here just over a year ago and thats was when I got my storage locker, I have a house full to bursting with stuff I don't use or touch and a locker doing the same.  Its a waste of space and time and makes me feel tense.

I'm not talking about the fabric and baskets I have for my sewing and crafting things - no its more about pieces of paper, things I might need 'one day' - no idea when this one day might be.  I mean if I haven't needed it for a year will I really need it in the next?

So it's time to make space.  I'm starting by moving my king size spare bed into storage (not the mattress that's going to the tip - rubbish back aching temporary cheap at the time buy!) and being replaced by a day bed and trundle.  It will get back a lot of floor space but also won't have this big flat surface to dump stuff on - something I'm particularly adept at.

I'm also going to empty the magic basket of toiletries and makeup - i use limited products and usually the same few the rest as just sat there gathering dust.  I don't need them, use them or if I'm honest want them.  Time to get out the black sacks and make space.

I think what has brought this on has been my working at home the last few weeks on and off.  I have a good work space - an old pine kitchen table that I share with my sewing machine, overlocker and a few bits.  Plenty of room to spread out and work but the rest of the room is surrounded by stuff.

I need to make a deal with myself - not to replace the stuff with more stuff - to remember the feeling now when I am full to bursting and the need for room to think and breath.

Making space not just physically but mentally by letting stuff go.

Breath.

Hello Autumn my old friend.

There are those clinging on to summer this morning. Floaty skirts and open toes; refusing to accept its over. 

And then there's me  40 denier & knits happy to welcome autumn with a smile and a knowing nod - ah yes hello my time. 

Hello knits and boots and warm textures and forgiving hip skimming dresses. 

Hello bright cool sunshine, warm refreshing rain. Hello my time. 

A hot mess

I'm so tired. Having spent about 15 months in a role with minimal pressure and low morale I've moved to a role where I am taxed, busy and a bit frightened. My boss says she tinkers on the edge of irritability at all times and that works for her - right now I'm on the edge of fear. 

Fear of being good enough, fear of meeting expectations, fear of hitting/missing deadlines, fear of being discovered as a fraud. 

It's brilliant to be busy and to be in a role that's challenging me daily but boy I'm exhausted by it.  Both mentally and physically.   It's turned me. But upside down. 

I'm also having a bit of a wardrobe nightmare - weight has crept up again, nothing fits, everything I put on just looks a bit of a mess. The outside is reflecting the inside. 

So I'll get through today. Get some good 'stuff' done then need to use this weekend to get organised. 

Boy!  To make myself feel better here I am last weekend not looking awful at the wedding of some lovely friends:

Going to try and channel her and ignore the messy hair, too much cleavage, slightly too tight hot mess I am today!

Becoming no one (aka Real Men Don't Look Back)

Its time for me to move contracts again so I am working out my last few days in my current role, preparing my handover and ensuring that my files, projects and records are up to date.

The interesting thing is the shift in my colleagues behaviour and attitude towards me; each day I am moving to the outer edge of the inner circle and becoming less of a someone and much more of a no one.

I get it, working a notice period is hard on everyone.  You are not going to be here to deliver the longer term plans or work through the challenges that people perceive - you have jumped ship, taken the kings gold.  Whether you are leaving with a tear in your eye or if you are blowing it up and not looking back (real men don't look back at explosions remember) you were in post for a reason, and I assume did good work whilst you were there but a long notice and particularly those last few days can make for awkward times.

So the days are going slowly; the emails and calls are less frequent; the meetings not always relevant and the in tray looking mightily slim.

So what to do?  Well the best darn handover in the world obviously but otherwise its a case of smile, help where you can, give good counsel and support to your colleagues and leave the place in a way you would want to find it.

Moving on to becoming no one is a challenge but its nothing personal I guess just the way of the world. 

Whilst there will be no explosion I can walk away without looking back, onwards to the next adventure.

Movie night at Bea's of Bloomsbury

I'm having a bit of a love affair with London this week. My brothers are in the US so they offered me their flat for the time they're away. It's perfect timing, its just worked out that I had the option to be out & about every night having a (say it quickly) social life!

This is the view from the balcony in the boys bedroom - no doubting where you are!

London has been hot hot hot this week so when LBB and I were deciding what to do last night Bea's of Bloomsbury's block party style cinema club seemed like a perfect idea. 

Bea's is an awesome cafe with a few shops in London (including a brand new one in Farringdon that I'm planning to try this morning) and a railway arch in Maltby Street SE1 - their fresh food and cakes everyday are fantastic look at their website for more details (www.beasofbloomsbury.com).

We were running a little late so jumped in a cab - when we asked him to drop us off at these railway arches in what looks like an industrial area he thought we were mad, but go in through the metal door and inside it's all set up with a massive screen and a load of assorted deck chairs. 

The screen really is massive but we still grabbed a seat at the front to stretch out 

Not unsurprisingly the food was fabulous and we went for a chilli cheese dog each and paired this with a bottle of prosecco!

There was also mac'n'cheese, popcorn, some delicious looking cakes, beer wine and soft drinks. 

The atmosphere was relaxed and friendly, we watched Forrest Gump and the small group laughed, sighed and cried through a few gentle hours. 

It was a great evening, we walked back in the warm evening to London Bridge which was still buzzing.    I love that London offers so many choices and that awesome companies and places like Bea's exist. 

They have movie night running through the rest of July and August each Tuesday with more classic films including Some Like it Hot, Home Alone and Jaws. Tickets are £5. 

It's another beautiful London morning, I need to get up and walk to work before it gets too hot!  Another adventure in town tonight. Lucky lucky me. 

July so far

The sun is shining, it's a beautiful day. 

Murray has just won the Wimbledon final and I've had a lovely few days just mooching with Goose. 

We went to Truck Stop in Canary Wharf on Friday after a long day in London. 

We found shade in St James Park

And had ice cream on the south bank

Pub lunch with S&J

A quick stop in the office and a trip on a bus and a train

It finished with a damaged yoghurt in the shopping delivery which G loved 

But he's pooped in this heat. 

And no pics as left phone in car but lovely walk in Swinley Forrest with Loo &Kerrie  (& biscuit & Alana). 

And relax. 

Playlist

My soppy, sleepy, thinking of you playlist http://open.spotify.com/user/millymolly1972/playlist/30aG9bFi9ngXBIXPo6hKJa

30 Days of Curvy Yoga

When I started Yoga  a few years ago I loved how practice made me feel, loved the peace and release and giving myself time to breath.

Life got in the way and I let it go, my mat went to storage and I just put myself back in the 'too fat' for yoga box.

I headed off to The Hill That Breathes for a week and whilst they were lovely and the week was amazing it just reinforced my view that I was wrong for yoga - not, you'll note, that yoga was wrong for me.

I've been looking for something recently, something in me and something for me.  Im working, cooking, sewing, socialising living my life but I feel the need for some thing completely for me.

So I was introduced to Curvy Yoga via Sas and her amazing ebook The Body Stories (if you haven't go over to her and download it, and spend time looking though her posts and love notes - trust me its worth it) and something in Anna's voice resonated with me.  I mean the name alone 'Curvy Yoga' was made for me!

After signing up for Anna's emails and reading her notes I saw that she was running a 30 days of curvy yoga, on line course with Marianne.  The timing just feels right for me - right place right time, time to be a bit kinder to my body and perhaps consider myself worth it?

So I've headed in and started this week - this first week as been about getting ready - finding what it is that I need from my yoga practice, really considering my intention and being honest and serious about my commitment.

So the practice starts tomorrow, the kick off call was tonight.  I'm looking forward to it - but also wondering why I chose the month when I am away so much to do it!!

Right then  - I'll report back

Namaste

PCB x

A little rant....

Ah the joys of working in HR.

Yep that means that I am the one who is usually there telling you that you're not performing, supporting the line manager.  Having the conversation that the pay rise we have offered you is appropriate for the job and that if you want to work part time the salary will be part time and that you don't always get everything you want.

That you have BO.

That your time keeping sucks.

That we need to know when you will be here as we are covering for you when you are not and yes I understand your Child is ill - I'm not saying you have to be here just let us know, keep us informed.

That whilst yes we are a charity we are not a freaking charity - we are not an awful employer we have a good environment, pay sick leave, holiday, good maternity/paternity/adoption leave.  Don't expect you to work to the bone.  Wait you need to work from home - yeah no problem we'll make that work.  Oh you need to come in late and take a shorter lunch and leave around the same time as everyone else.  yep thats fine too - we trust you.

The problem is - we are a really small team and a small office and when you act like a self entitled fuck wit and I have to have a 'chat' with you it creates an atmosphere.

I am not a monster, but yes I can be the deliverer of bad, sad, difficult news.

But accuse me of annihilation - oh seriously you have seen nothing that was me on a good day, being productive and supportive and working with you to reach a solution.  Want to see what I'm like if I don't have the professional shackles?  Want to hear what I really think of the way you are acting?

Trust me you don't.

You get 24 hours to sulk but if you continue with this next week then guess what we'll be having another 'chat' where I ask you if there is a problem and what it is.

For now I will smile at you, include you, ask your opinion and engage with you.  Act like a spoiled brat if you like - it really isn't going to help.

Seriously, I've been called a bitch, a formidable dragon, a sanctimonious cow; had the death march whistled when I've walked down a corridor; been blanked, shunned, ignored, left out; called the party police and been told that I am not nice.

Your behavior just re-enforces my view of you.  I won't let this bother me when I get home tonight, I know we've been fair to you and actually tried to make things work for you.

Shame you can't be the same with me.

Rant over - phew.

Black dog

Darn you back dog back again.

Something's gotta give.

Goose-ing around

Goose has been in my life for over a year now - it's gone so quickly but I can't imagine being without him. So self indulgent puppyp*rn ahead......

The most important meal of the day?

I'm not a great breakfast person, coffee yes - coffee coffee coffee hell yes; but actual food not so much. However I know the importance of it and I do like it so I'm trying to train myself in to it, for, a habit.

I've discovered that if its colourful I seem it enjoy it more - so either quick or slow I need colour. Branflakes or plain porridge just aren't going to cut it. I was on leave last week so made the most - here's hoping it sticks.

And just because here's some recent breakfast pics - yep colours the way forward.

Snow Days

Its been brrrr cold, but being able to go out and walk Goose has been brilliant.  He loves love loves the snow and loves long walks so the two combined make of a very happy Goose (and actually a pretty happy me). So off to Sundon Country Park we went, all wrapped up for a few hours of stomping in the snow.

I'm exhausted and had a lovely long soak in a hot tub and some soup when we got back.  Pjs now on, wine in the fridge, lazy night ahead.

Dear 2013

New Years Day. I'm full of aches & hot & cold & yuck.

It's been an, erm, interesting holiday season. Some kind words spoken and true friends realised and some vicious true feelings shown.

In 2013 I'm going to Do More Of What Makes Me Happy - try not to worry too much about what others think and just tread the path of least destruction.

I don't want to hurt anyone, or be selfish, but do want to be kind to myself and allow it to be about me.

So 2013 resolutions - not about giving anything up, or not doing anything but about doing more.

So more fun, more ink, more of what makes me happy.

2012 ended well with the addition of a new tattoo - in 2013 I will be the wonder that keeps the stars apart.

Happy New Year xx