Sleep alludes me

Here I am again; 1.25 am and not asleep.  I'm so very very tired but when I close my eyes my mind starts to whir and I just can't get to sleep.

All these thoughts and questions.  I'm a planner but don't feel able to make plans.

My heart and head are in flux, I miss my home, my normal Christmas, my life.  But I know that I can't go back to being unhappy.

I feel so much guilt and responsibility, it's a heavy load.

The person I would like to speak with is not available - it's Christmas I should not be bringing others down.

My parents arrive again tomorrow - I am both looking forward to and dreading it.  I best try to get some sleep.

No words

I want to call you but I don't know what I would say.  I feel like I have cried for days and if I speak to you suspect it will start again.

There is no good time to do this - I know that.  I know it seems cruel, heartless.  I'm sorry - truly sorry.

Like you said - Merry Fucking Christmas.

Don't read this is you're feeling low in any way at all

I knew today was going to be tough.  After being so busy yesterday and having such a good day I know that today would feel flat.  What I didn't expect was this wave of sadness and loneliness. The drive to work was tough and then I had to sit in the car park for 15 minutes to pull myself together.  Then when I came in to the office I came in to flowers from my husband.  He has not once, in 13 years bought me flowers.  He's really trying, trying to show me he can change and it can be different.

 

I need to stop crying and think.  I was so sure, so positive.

 

Today is not a good day.

Patience

I lack patience.  I want the pain to stop now.  I want the call to be made and received.

I'm rubbish at waiting

waiting sucks

Decisions (or lack of)

I left my little cottage at 6.30 this morning to drive north to get a car full of my things.  As I got  closer I started to feel sick and tense.  I knew The Boy wouldn't be here but it feels like invading - like he should be here to supervise what I chose to take and leave.

I have been wandering from room to room, looking at things and thinking about what to take (or not).  Some things were straightforward (coats, handbags etc) but others have left me in turmoil and crying like a baby.  I have some lovely towels from Liberty but they are hanging in the bathroom - it seems wrong to take things an leave an empty space.  Pathetic really.

Everytime I look at or pick something up I find myself over thinking - it feel all wrong taking things from his home (I know it's our house), leaving gaps where my life was.  I really need to get myself together and be more pragmatic.

Now however, I am waiting for the plumber.  He was due at 10.......the car is packed I can't face any more I just want to run back south where I can pretend its not happening.

Dividing a Life

I'm heading North tomorrow to pack some things.  I have no idea where to start.  Clothes, shoes make sense but what about DVDs, books, the PS3, the coffee machine, my knives, a casserole dish.  We've been together so long its not about who brought what into the relationship - it's not as easy as that's yours thats mine; most of it is 'ours'.

Some of it is simple - The Boy would never want my Gilmore Girls or West Wing DVDs, my grandmothers dinner service but what about the wedding gifts?  Who takes the glasses - do we split them?  Who takes the cutlery?  The whole things has my head in a spin and feels too soon, too raw.  I want some of my things of course I do but I don't want to leave the boy with a shell of a house or with empty spaces.

The other side is my cottage is tiny - where would I put anything??

M&D arrive in a few hours, they're bringing boxes - all very organised.  I just want to go to my bed and hide until the new year.  I know that standing still just prolongs the pain but the pace is scaring me......leaving no room for doubt, reflection, consideration.

But what room do I need or want, I'm done I know I am and as much as that hurts it's where I am.

Frack.

I can't ignore Christmas.

  

\

I have no tree or lights but there is a Christmas welcome.

Clarks

It's been a while since a shoe post hasn't it?

Ok so here we go.  At the weekend I was in Manchester and I have been after a new pair of flat black leather knee high boots.  I saw some in a Clarks advert that I thought might work but as is the way with my hughmongous calves and little ankles they just looked daft but whilst there The Boy spotted some other boots he liked, they are lovely, battered brown leather with a rubber sole, laces up the front but a handy zip at the side:

They're called Malabar Squash are £69.99 (they are also available in a light tan suede).

Whilst trying them on had a glance at the Clarks Original's stand.  I love Clarks Originals and have two pairs already (it's the mod in me you see).  I tried on a pair of dog print desert boots but they were a step too far but then I saw these beauties:

And I was sold.  They're called Street Chic and whilst I paid £49 for them they are currently £35 with free delivery and returns (gutted I only got them on Saturday).

Just incase you are concerned that I have gone all flat on you - it's still about the heels here are some pics of my most recent purchases:

Both from Kurt Geiger - both lovely.

Seeing Red

It's a ritual I guess, something ends, something has to change - something I can do myself, something that feels fresh, new.  My choice, my control.

It's not a big thing, but it feels.....well symbolic I guess.  So goodbye brown hello red.

The toughest decisions

Even though I know it's the right decision & the right thing for me to do this is the toughest decision I have ever made.

So now what? The grief and loss; the pain and accusation; the dividing of a life built together.

My failure to fix us, to make it work is almost too much to bare.

This is the beginning of a long, slow, painful road. I know it's the right course of action but the devastation left behind and the guilt of knowing I did that is a heavy load.

I'm sorry for the pain now and the pain to come. I'm sorry that we broke beyond repair. I'm sorry I failed.

Duty

We are in Scarborough this weekend.  The Boy is running the Scarborough 10k in the morning and today we are doing our duty and spending time with my MIL.

I find this very very hard.  She is not a pleasant woman, is racist, homophobic, sexist and you can't just put it all down to her age (she's 80).  I spend my time biting my tongue, trying not to respond to her comments, trying to be patient.

She's also getting a bit deaf, so mishears (when she chooses) or ignores completely.  And the third and final thing is she really really smells - not over perfumed smell but dirty clothes, unwashed smell.  The Boy has little sense of smell; I unfortunately do not and have to overcompensate with my own perfume.

For years I have tried to build a relationship, take interest in her health, her friends, her life but nothing - there is no warmth there, no sense of family, we do not belong to each other.  She has an interesting relationship with The Boy.  I am so very close to my parents that I just can't fathom their relationship - or non relationship more describes it.

So we would be here even if he was not running out of a sense of duty.  At least the view is good.

On the move

I am really pleased to say that I am moving.....huzzah

Well only during the week.  No more Scout Hut for me, I am moving to small cottage with an open fire and lovely garden. 

I shall share more once the contracts are signed but in the meantime I have furniture to buy.  

Any excuse!

Marriage is a Test of Memory

Remember why you chose him

Remember why he chose you

Remember when he asked - and you said yes

Remember the first time, the best time

Remember the safety in times of need

Remember the sharing of good news

Don't let the candle blow out - use the memory to fuel the flame.

The Grey Mist

I've been in hiding again.  It's been a tough and painful month, after a fantastic trip to New York we came home to real life, back to weekly commuting and weekends crammed with cooking, cleaning and ironing.  It was only a month ago that we were drinking cocktails in Soho - relaxed and happy, not a care in the world.

Since then I have been offered my role a on a perm basis and have accepted it.  I am no longer a contractor but am a full time employee with all the benefits and constraints that brings.  No more finishing for Christmas on the 15th and not starting again until the end of January.  No more taking the summer off.  No more being able to meet friends for lunch at at time of the week as I can make the time up or just sack off a day - it's my money I'm loosing after all.  No more tax breaks.

But, I love the company and the job is great and the salary good, I have sick pay!  Holiday pay, insurance (if I die The Boy can pay the mortgage several times over 4x salary insurance and another 4x salary if I die in an accident).  I have colleagues who are friends and challenges.

However, it's 200 miles away from home which is not ideal but I want to be selfish - I think.

Otherwise things are tough.  Marriage is work I know that and right now it's hard work but we'll get passed that, we always do.  The weight continues to come off (well it did before this weekend and my cold induced binge eating) and I hope to be back to the gym next week (snot permitting).

The beginning of Oct has been mixed, a new job, a surprise pregnancy followed 48 hours later with another miscarriage, martini's, friends, a home away from home house hunt and now a cold.

The grey mist has descended and Fuck really does seem to be the answer to everything (see www.pontecarloblue.posterous.com ).  But it will pass - writing it down means it already is starting to.  I'm out for drink with Zee tomorrow - will tell her all, let her wise words soothe me and guide me and start to repair.

Blimey I'm a miserable fuck.

A little bit of MoMA

Yesterday afternoon was spent taking in some beauty at MoMA.  Here's a little bit of what we saw:

These pictures do not do them justice at all.

The High Line - New York

This morning The Boy and I went for a stroll on The High Line, what a lovely way to spend an hour....

I really do love New York.

Counting my blessings

Wow, the response to my last post has been amazing.

My true friends have read the real message and have contacted me with the virtual hugs I need.

It was indeed a big decision and if I think too hard about it I am at risk of crying.  But the decision is made.  I have my beautiful sort of niece and nephew R & E, and intend to be the best Aunt possible.

I have my grown up sort of nephew C - and intend to spoil him rotten and always be here for him as he finds his way through the world.

I have the best friends I could hope for - I love and feel loved.  I am blessed.

Thank you - you know who you are. xx

PCB x

Time for a mid year review

well well well here we are nearly at the start of a new term and I have found myself reading back and it's time for a mid year review.  So lets start with:

Work

I love the job I'm doing, love the company and the work.  Have made some really good friends and think that they may offer me a perm role.  This is a challenge as it's 200 miles away from home so would mean continuing to live away Monday to Thursday - most weeks that's fine as I like to have my own space but The Boy is getting a bit grumpy about it.  I think in honesty it was the off season that made him a bit bored but now that the footie is back on he won't even notice I'm not here (as long as there's food in the fridge).

Weight

Well I am 2.5 stone down and much happier still a bit to go but it's all going well.  I completed the Moonwalk and have been an occasional gym attendee, but it's all heading in the right direction.  Walking helps and the new friends I've made at work are great.

Baby

In all honesty I think I have accepted that this isn't going to happen for me.  I'm 38 soon, and a contractor - not really the greatest situation.  So whilst there is an element of heartbreak I am coming to terms with the reality that I will not be a Mum.  It hurst and saddens me, but it's the reality of the situation.

Life

Well the baby decision has knocked me for six the last few months, a lot of thinking and to-ing and fro-ing and the black mood has descended slightly.  I am not keeping in touch with old friends, not on here much or on twitter.  Finding other ways to pass my time.  I'm okay just licking my wounds a bit, boosting my ego and concentrating on work.

So what's next - well still doing the clutter stuff, still losing weight, be the best I can be at work and emerge from this short black period and pay some more attention to my ever patient friends (they know who they are).

So new uniform, new bag, fresh pens and pencils.....new opportunity, new beginning - love that new term feeling.

The Cleveland Way

This weekend we went to Scarborough and we walked from Whitby back to Scarborough on The Cleveland Way.  It was a cloudy start to the day but the sun came out and we saw the North Yorkshire Coast at it's best.

Its a tough tough but if you get a good day it is truly beautiful.

Things I bought in Philly

Still not sleeping very well which is annoying as when I first got back I was all puffed up and proud as I thought I had escaped the jet lag.....ah well.

When in Philadelphia last week I was staying opposite the King of Prussia mall so after work on Monday I skipped across the car park from the hotel to have a nosy and to pick up some things for The Boy.  

First stop was the pharmacy for some over the counter drugs - they really so have much better pain killers available there don't they.  Then in I went.  I had a plan I needed to get to Kheils and Lacoste for The Boy and they were on the same floor and section of the mall so that was my aim.

However, best laid plans and all that as the sales were still on so I did quite a bit of browsing before landing in Michael Kors.  I love Michael Kors clothes - they seem to me to be made for real women, you know those that have a body that's reflects actually having enjoyed life a bit.  I had always assumed that it was out of my price range but was more than pleasantly surprised that his diffusion line was very reasonable and that they had a sale on........oh dear oh dear.  As I walked in the beautiful store, (light, airy, soft music, shiny things) they nices sales assistant said hello and just let me browse a bit.  As I was working my way back, she just passed me and said - 'sorry the place is a bit of a mess we are just re-arranging as many more items went on sale today'.  Kerching - SALE.  They were putting loads of bags on the shelves at the front of the store as they were on sale - not end of the line naff but some beautiful MK bags....if I hadn't just invested in a bag I would have been tempted but managed to hold myself back.

However, I did buy a fabulous top:

(not great quality photo's I'm afraid as taken with phone)

I also bought a black jersey dress, it has a sort of cowl neck, drape and a little ruching at one side.  Perfect no crease dress for travelling (I wore it for the flight home)

Both the dress and the top were $89 dollars.  I also bought some shoes but have no picture so will have to sort that.

I then went to Kheils and Lacoste for The Boy - both shops had the items he wanted for the same price in dollars as in pounds and there was no purchase tax either so with the exchange rate up around the 158 mark it was a good value trip.

I had a bit more of a wander around and bought three pairs of jeans from Old Navy - whilst they are not the best quality in the world they were reduced to $19 a pair so even after the exchange charge on my bank card I got three pairs for about £38.  I got two skinny pairs, one dark one lighter denim and one boot cut.  It's so nice to have a pair of jeans that actually fit - one of the things I love about shopping in he US is that the sizes are much lower numbers - so a UK size 16 is a US size 12 - this makes me very happy.

Then I went to J Crew - oh my they had their autumn stock in and there were some truly lovely items but I stuck to basics and this is what I got:

    

All in all a great success.

The Liberty Hotel - Boston, USA

This week I've been away with work; I was in Philadelphia for 3 days then up to Boston for a day.  In Phily I was in an anonymous Crown Plaza hotel, at The King of Prussia Mall - more about that another time.  The Crown Plaza was fine, made better by the brilliant barman Dan who made my drinks without asking what I wanted (after the first order) and when he was packed busy the next night just made me a G&T and passed it through the crowd so I didn't have to wait.  After the otherwise dullness by the time I got to Boston I was really looking forward to The Liberty.

I was originally booked in to The Westin in Waltham, it's fine - perfectly fine but it's big and corporate and when traveling alone is not exactly comfortable in my opinion.  I was talking to a colleague and she said that I should go to The Liberty that the company has a rate there so it's an approved hotel.  I am so very glad I took her advice.

The Liberty is in downtown Boston, a walk away from all the great places and is in an old jail.  It's a boutique style hotel, but large, as well as being a very busy night spot - the two bars were buzzing when I arrived at 8.30pm on a hot and humid Wednesday night.

On arrival you are given a glass of champagne before going to your room, and what a lovely room it is.  I was in The Tower part of the hotel, only on the 3rd and but had a great floor to ceiling window, so just about had a view if I crooked my neck a bit.  The room was classic boutique hotel:

my sort of mini bar

and a great bathroom with fab mirrors & lovely Molton Brown products

and I would muchly like one of these for my bath

After changing I went downstairs to The Clink restaurant - you see what they did there, one of many Jail style touches including a do not disturb door sign that reads 'Solitary'.  I had a vodka martini (not quite dry enough for my liking) with beef carpaccio which was melt in the mouth tasty but a few too many capers, followed by parpadalle with a lamb ragu which was tasty tasty tasty just a tad too salty.  The service was excellent and the crowd bubbling but not rowdy.  Shame that the food was a little 'over done', not over cooked just not quite there.

I then went to the main lobby bar for another Martini, much better this time served by a very handsome barman who was polite but busy chatting to his slightly drunk room mate (who as I understand it was moving out and was going to miss the beer exchange and pizza night.....).  They had every bottle behind the bar you could think of and even make their own infusion of bourbon (Markers Mark infused with a vanilla tobacco which smelt amazing when over ice).

Remembering the Martini rule, I said my goodnights and went back to my room.  Just before the lift doors closed the actor Michael Cera  (in case you are saying Who?)  jumped in - I was a little star struck to be honest having just been watching one of his films the weekend before with The Boy.  He was very polite, asked where I was from and then we wished each other a good night - if only I had been on a higher floor I am sure we would be BFFs by now.

Breakfast was served in the room and was massive, I had pancakes with a side of bacon and scrambled eggs - there was enough for two possibly three.  I managed about half of it - but then couldn't move for quite some time.....

Overall my experience at The Liberty was great - I would strongly recommend it if you're in Boston for business or on a City break.  The prices were not silly and the location and decor made it a great treat.

Check it out here http://www.libertyhotel.com/